Day 16: Do Not Let

Yesterday was hard. Very hard. I posted at 8:15 PM my Day 15 post and still wanted to eat and eat and eat. And I did eat, more than I needed for sure.

How do I know I ate too much?

When I say in my goals below “food tracked,” I mean that literally. My daily goal is to simply track my food, and I do this using the WW app. I have been following WW for over 10 years, and it seems to give me the boundaries I need without being overly restrictive.

My long-term goal is obviously to not run to food for comfort. However, my goal right now is a little different – to track whatever I eat and get in that habit, and then work on the running to Jesus instead of food. But going 14 days with relatively reasonable eating is a big win for me.

Might I need to be more restrictive at some point? Perhaps. But this is a great starting point for me. It’s been a long time since I’ve even tracked for several weeks straight.

So anyway, normally when I wake up after a night like last night, two things happen:

  1. I beat myself up over my bad choices.
  2. My dejected state makes me feel as if I might as well make poor food choices for another day (or week or month or year) before I get back on track.

Today, there was none of that. I felt no condemnation when I woke up. I decided today was a new day, and today I would choose joy. I put worship music on my phone, popped in my ear buds, and went for a walk.

Later this verse was part of my daily reading:

“Do not let your hearts be troubled.” John 14:1a

Jesus’s words rung very true to me. “Do not let.” Unless the depression is clinical (which I don’t believe mine is), I have some choice in the matter as to how my heart feels.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:5

Today, I chose not to let my heart be troubled over yesterday’s choices, or over all the things that bothered me yesterday. I choose joy. I choose hope.

Bible Reading: Romans 9
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check

Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 9: Breaking Up with Food

I’ve carried a burden
For too long on my own
I wasn’t created
To bear it alone
I hear Your invitation
To let it all go

As we sang this song at church Sunday, it struck me how deeply this applies to breaking up with food. I’ve tried so hard to fix this myself. I’ve thrown some prayers up to God here and there. But it has bothered me for a long time. I feel ashamed of it, so I don’t ask for prayer, or get the help I need.

I’m done with the hiding
No reason to wait

No more hiding.

I’m breaking up with food, and apparently, I’m doing it quite publicly with the accountability of the internet!

My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I’ll run to the Father
Again and again and again and again

On 7/13, day 1 of breaking up with food, I wrote in my journal, “I don’t have a food issue – I have a heart issue.”

Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart

One of the Scriptures that compelled me to start this breaking up with food journey is Psalm 86:11b-12a:

“Give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart.”

I need to let Him heal my heart, the heart that He knit together in the first place.

My heart has been in Your sights
Long before my first breath

I am letting go and letting God, as the saying goes.

Thank You, Jesus, for seeing my divided heart thousands of years before I even was born, and dying so that I could not only be freed from my sin, but so that I could praise You with my whole, entire, undivided heart, a heart that was in Your sights long before my first, premature breath that was almost my last. You have been so good to me.

Bible Reading: 1 John 5
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 4: Breaking Up with Food

I have always wanted to experience a “zap” moment in my relationship with food – a moment where Jesus meets me at the altar or in my prayer time and suddenly, I’m completely healed and free! I know exactly how to eat and when to eat and how much to eat, skipping at a healthy weight off into the sunset!

I think I wrote about this in my book 😉

The other extreme from the “zap” moment mentality is complacency or even hopelessness, where you have asked over and over for God’s help, and yet you feel like He has done nothing. So you begin to wonder if this is just how life is going to be? Struggling at this level until heaven?

I know logically that it is a cooperation. I do what I can do and God does what only He can do. I exercise my “no” muscle when it comes to food. I make better choices and use some sort of system (even if it’s hunger and fullness cues – which doesn’t currently work for me, and perhaps I’ll write more about that another time) to keep my food in check. And I consistently ask God to empower me to choose Him instead of food.

“Consistently” is the key word there. I would often ask God for help, of course, but then I needed to follow through and allow Him to change me as I made better choices.

That’s why the book is called “Learning to Walk in Freedom.” Somehow, despite writing an entire book on the topic, I have clearly struggled to put this into practice in the area of breaking up with food!

“Obey God because you are his children; don’t slip back into your old ways—doing evil because you knew no better. 1But be holy now in everything you do, just as the Lord is holy, who invited you to be his child.” 1 Peter 1:14-15

Well, once you know better, you do better, so I’m putting it into practice now! I didn’t sleep well last night (fatigue is another food trigger for me), but still chose well today. I also added worshipping to my checklist, whether it’s along with a recording or on my guitar (I don’t have a piano at home). Today, I sang “My Heart Will Trust” after breaking out in Psalm 23 during prayer time.

Bible Reading: 1 Peter 1 & Psalm 23
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Monday Morning Meditation: God is in the Details

God is in the details.

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives. Psalm 37:23

I slept in a little today (for me, at least), and I didn’t think I had time to get to the gym (given I needed to be at church at 10:30). About a week ago, I took my oldest’s bike out for a spin and noticed it was a good workout (despite only about 6 out of 20 gears working!). An early-ish morning bike ride sounded great!

During my neighborhood travels, I saw a free couch. The owner of the house was outside with her son, said there were no issues with the couch but they couldn’t fit it in the new place where they were moving. I rode home, got my husband Roy, and we went back to check it out. It mostly fit in the van, and someone else at the house had some bungee cords. I mentioned our find to a friend, and she sent her husband over to help us get it in the house.

God is in the details.

We just HAPPENED to discuss yesterday that we would be comfortable taking a free couch if we had a little information about where it was from.

I just HAPPENED to sleep in and decide to take a bike ride.

I just HAPPENED to ride by this couch.

It just HAPPENED to be in good shape and the type we hoped to buy.

It just HAPPENED to fit in the van.

The view from the front seat

There just HAPPENED to be a guy sitting outside the house AND a guy coming out of a neighborhood house that helped us fit it in the van.

We just HAPPENED to hang out with new friends last night, and one came over to help get the couch inside.

God blesses His children.

The most beautiful thing about this story? He blessed us with a perfectly good couch even though we have the money to buy a new couch – we just haven’t had the time to go and look. His love for us decided to bless us today by making our lives easier.

The lions may grow weak and hungry,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.      Psalm 34:10

I am God’s favorite, after all! And so are you. God is in the details.

Freedom Friday: Light & Momentary

As I write this, I am still pregnant.

I was supposed to have a September baby, but here we are, creeping into October. I wrestle with the odds stacked against me in having the birth I want. I went to bed last night, thinking about all the challenges. I won’t list them, but they are many.

BK_duedate

40 weeks pregnant

I woke up quite early today, before the sun came up. I lit a candle because I didn’t feel like turning on a light. I wanted to see the sun come up. I prayed, centering myself around God’s truth found in His Word. I got on my knees to pray (no small feat these days!). And the following verses came to mind:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

This is one of my earliest memory verses. When Jesus called me by name, I faced some difficult obstacles. I wrestled deeply with depression and anxiety. My default setting sent me into despair and hopelessness on a regular basis. I memorized a number of Scriptures to help continually turn my heart and my mind back to Jesus, what He had done for me, and the truth that He would continue to work in my life.

These particular verses were so much a part of my every day that Roy, my then boyfriend, and I would say to each other at trying moments, “Light & momentary, babe. Light & momentary.”

Whatever challenges you are facing today might feel monstrous. They seem insurmountable. But in God’s perspective, they are light & momentary.

Let that soak in for a second. Think about how much of your brain space those worries are consuming. Now think of something you have to deal with today that is light & momentary. Can you change your thinking to also view your challenges the way you’d consider what sandwich to pick for lunch?

The apostle Paul goes on to talk about how our souls groan to be in our heavenly dwelling, “so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.” But we are not there yet. And so how  do we keep this perspective? In this “meantime” in which we live, how do we remind ourselves that the trials we face are light & momentary?

We fix our eyes on what is unseen.

We have a tendency to stare deeply into our struggles, as if by analyzing them over and over, we will find answers. Psalm 25:15 says, “My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.” Notice it doesn’t say, “My eyes are ever on the snare, because only then can I figure out what to do.” That would be fixing our eyes on what is seen. That’s the opposite of what we are to do. Paul says, “Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight” 2 Corinthians 5:6-7.

We walk and live in light of faith and what we know to be true, based on what God has spoken through His Word, rather than what we see. Our perspective is so limited. And we all have a filter through which we view life that is often damaged by our past experiences. We have to continually refocus our gaze onto the things of God.

So when those trials threaten to consume you, keep turning them over to God, “casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7. Fix your eyes on the One who is able to lead you out of those trials instead. Do this over and over. It takes practice and perseverance to make this a habit, to change that default setting.

God is able.

Lord, today, the obstacles I see threaten to overwhelm me. But instead of staring at them, I choose to adjust my gaze. I choose to look deeply into Your Truth rather than the apparent “truth” of my circumstances. I choose to remind myself of the “light & momentary”-ness of what I am facing, and ponder instead the great work You are doing in me as I take my eyes off the snare. Thank You that You are able when I am not. 

Monday Morning Meditation: Waiting Well

At the time this is published, I will be 1 day shy of 39 weeks pregnant.

I wish I could say that pregnancy has been all roses and silver-lined clouds, but it hasn’t. It’s been 9 months of waiting and dreaming and at times dreading what is to come.

After 2 difficult births including a c-section, after walking with friends who have experienced babies born still, after losing one of my children to miscarriage, I know all the possibilities of what could happen over the course of these long months.

Baby Girl at the mid-pregnancy ultrasound

Even now, with a child still in my womb as I type this, I know that the next few days and weeks and months of this child’s life are in many ways out of my control. I don’t know how the birth will go. I don’t know if this child will have severe food sensitivities like her oldest brother, and how that might impact what and how we both eat. I can only pray she’ll be healthy and that things will go smoothly.

But there are no guarantees.

All the fears and doubts I’ve wrestled with during this time have brought me to the question:

How do I wait well?

What does that look like?

I can tell you what it doesn’t look like because I’ve been doing a lot of that. Moving 500 miles 6 months into the pregnancy likely didn’t help! Waiting well does not look like worrying and doubting and giving in to fear. It doesn’t look like allowing your imagination to run wild with all the things that could happen and focusing on those things. It doesn’t mean giving in to the depression and anxiety that at times comes so naturally.

Yesterday, as I didn’t wait well, these verses came to mind.

“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.”

Psalm 130:5-6 (NIV)

What are we waiting for, anyway? In any period of waiting, while we might be waiting for something specific to happen (like the birth of a child), what we are really waiting on is The Lord.

One way we wait well, as demonstrated by the psalmist, is by putting our hope in His Word.

I realized upon reflection that I had been putting my hope in things turning out a certain way, and not only is that not beneficial, that clearly wasn’t working for me! I was reminded that the only real secure hope I have is God, and one way to rejuvenate that hope within me was to reflect on His Word.

I knew I need to fill myself with His truth, and I chose to do that through worship. You may put your hope in His Word by reading the Bible or listening to it, listening to sermons, or reading a Christian book. I pulled out my guitar and started to sing.

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord

This oldie but goodie has carried me through many a challenging time, and I went on from there, singing songs as they came to mind.

How can you fill yourself with truth today? In your present circumstances, what would it mean to hope in God’s Word?

“Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.”

Psalm 130:7

Monday Morning Meditation: And All That is Within Me

“Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name. 103:1” Psalm

I have just finished 30 days of concentrated prayer, something that Mark Batterson suggests in The Circle Maker. I asked a few of my closest friends what they would like me to pray about for them, and prayed for those things most days. Somewhere in that process I was reminded of Psalm 103, and read that psalm out loud many of those days.

This psalm has special meaning to me. Long before I knew much about Jesus, I loved using the gifts He gave me. One gift He has given me is music. When I was a tormented high schooler, ostracized among my peers because of my sexuality, I auditioned for the musical, Godspell. I was given the part in the production that sang, “O Bless the Lord, My Soul,” a song based on Psalm 103.

During a time of turmoil, God gave me moments of peace among my musical peers and even my non-musical ones. We performed pieces of the musical in front of the whole school. From that moment on, I may not have been liked by some, but in my small town, they respected me because of my talent.

Godspell

Oh bless the Lord my soul!
His praise to thee proclaim!
And all that is within me join,
To bless His holy name!

God’s truth is still truth, no matter what its source or circumstance. Despite the fact that I didn’t know much about God, at this early age, God began to allow His truth to take root in my heart.

I auditioned again for another production of Godspell 5 years later at a theater company where my girlfriend worked. I was once again given the same role and sang the same song.

He will not always chide
He will with patience wait
His wrath is ever slow to rise
And ready to abate
Oh bless the Lord

Psalm 103 begins with self-directives. David sings (as psalms were sung) that he is to bless and praise the Lord with all that is within him.

As I have repeated this psalm many times in recent past, I recall the truth God began to weave into my soul decades ago. I am reminded of His faithfulness and sovereignty in a time when I did not recognize Him as Lord.

I also plainly see that there is much within me that does not bless Him at all: my complaining, my procrastination, my fear that paralyzes at times, my unloving and prideful attitude.

Oh bless the Lord my soul!
His mercies bear in mind!
Forget not all His benefits,
The Lord, to thee, is kind.

How would my life change if I were to choose to allow “all that is within me” to bless His holy name? No allowing the negative thoughts to take over my mind but instead, pressing my fears into God’s heart and choose to praise Him?

Take this thought with you for the week. Ask yourself: are my words, whether spoken or thought, allowing all that is within me to bless His holy name?

*Words in italics are from the song, O Bless The Lord My Soul, by Stephen Schwartz and John-Michael Tebelak.

Monday Morning Meditation: Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

When was the last time you waited in eager anticipation of something to come?

A wedding? The birth of a child? A loved one coming to visit after a long journey?

Think about it for a minute. Think of how you felt. You were likely so excited it was almost as if your breath was caught in your chest.

This was the scene in Luke 2 after the birth of Jesus.

When Joseph and Mary brought the baby Jesus to the temple to be consecrated, there were two people there who had been waiting… and watching… and waiting.

If you are not familiar with the story, take a second to read it. Simeon and Anna had been in the temple, waiting. Simeon waited with a promise from God: he would not die before he saw the Messiah. We don’t know if Anna had a similar promise, but we do know that after the death of her husband, she prayed, fasted and praised God night and day in the temple.

They both waited – with expectation.

In the morning, O LORD,
you hear my voice;
In the morning,
I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation. (Psalm 5:3)

Are you waiting in expectation this Christmas week? Or are you running around like a headless chicken trying to finish every last detail?

I encourage you – breathe. Stop where you are and sit. Grab a cup of coffee and just take 5 minutes to talk to Jesus. Set a timer if you need to. Welcome Him once again into your heart, and ask Him to take His place on the throne of your life.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.

I pray that despite the busyness of the next few days, you would find your rest in the Lord as you wait in expectation for the celebration of His coming.

Monday Morning Meditation: God’s Character (end of Psalm 25 series)

Here is today’s passage in the Psalm 25 series (v. 19-22):

See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

I decided to group all these verses together rather than split them up, so this will be the final installment of the Psalm 25 series.

What have been some of the themes of the Psalm so far? Let’s take a look at the blog post titles.

Safe with the Lord
Dealing with Shame
All Day Long (HOPE!)
How Does God See Me?
Need Help? Ask For It
Embrace Grace Again
Friendship with God
Off the Snare and On the Lord (your eyes)
Turn to Me

God’s character is revealed throughout this psalm, as well as the promises that are available to us because of who He is.

Safety. Help. Hope. Protection. Friendship. Grace. Hope. Focus. Perspective. Unashamed. Help. More hope.

In today’s passage, we find David surrounded by enemies. He continues to put his hope in the Lord, trusting in God’s character as well as his friendship with the Lord and his own obedience.

Yesterday in church, we sang “Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies).” So many of the themes of this Psalm are highlighted in the lyrics, but I will simply highlight the chorus.

I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

Enemies will rise up. We will grow weak at times from battle. As the song says, “though troubles linger still,” God was won the battle. He is a friend who is also Protector and Savior.

Hope in Him – all day long.

Monday Morning Meditation: It’s Okay to Dream

On September 22nd, I ran the Zooma Cape Cod Half Marathon.

It was an amazing race. Still brings tears to my eyes.

Redemption. Read about it here. Amazing.

We had recently found out my dad didn’t have long to live.

I run because I can. I ran that race for him and so many others who cannot run.

On race weekend, we stayed at a little resort where my husband Roy stayed growing up. I found this postcard in the gift shop:

My father loves JFK, so I bought this with the intention of promptly sending it to him.

There was one last possibility for saving my father’s life (besides divine intervention): a new chemo. Within a couple of weeks, it became clear that the chemo was making him too sick to continue.  When I found this out, this postcard showed up a day or two later, stuffed in a book. I filled it out, shared some psalms, and encouraged him: It’s okay to dream.

And dream he did. When I arrived a few days at the marathon, as they had given him a few weeks to live, you could see it in his eyes. His eyes would slowly drift up, with a faraway gaze.

He dreamt of heaven.

I recently had the privilege of speaking to women of our church. As I prayed the morning of the event, I flipped through my Bible to read various psalms and came across Psalm 126:1 (NIV1984):

When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed.

Are you allowing yourself to dream? Have your recent struggles and trials made dreaming seem unrealistic, or even painful?

My oldest son Bear, Me, and my dad, March 2012

Yesterday, I ran the ZERO Prostate Cancer Challenge, a 4-mile race on Father’s Day, in honor of my dad. He taught me to aim high, and open my heart to what life might bring me.

He taught me: It’s okay to dream.

It’s time to dream your own dreams again.

“You know a dream is from God when you can let go of it, but it won’t let go of you.” Darlene Zschech, Kiss of Heaven