Category Archives: Breaking Up With Food

Day 18: Will I Ever Be Free?

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Have you ever struggled with debilitating thought patterns? Circles of thinking that made you feel as if you would be bound forever, never to break free?

This is how I felt when I wrote the song “Will I Ever Be Free?”

I hear the darkness call my name
And I can find myself choosing to follow,
Once again, I cannot turn away
From this longing that leaves me so hollow

You can find a recording of this song here.

Part of it is sung, and part is spoken word.

One Day, I will give up this dream that there is something to achieve, something I can receive from this preconceived vision of beauty and victory in the way people see me, of honor and pride, if I wasn’t so torn up inside by this choice, this decision cause that’s exactly what it is, I can no longer fool myself by saying I didn’t choose this, that I can’t lose this, because I use this, and I abuse this body You gave me, oh, yes, You made me, and my mind tells me that what You created is not good enough.

I love this song. It’s kind of cheesy/cliché, but I absolutely love the end.

This performance was in May of 2001. I had been following Jesus just over 2 years and was still deeply entrenched in my eating disorder. I’m so grateful I’m not in that place anymore! And a Scripture I read today reminded me of how I broke free from that place and how I will continue breaking up with food today.

Freedom step 4 of my book is “Think Like a Free Person.” This is the place that everything flows from – everything. Every addiction, every behavior, every false belief, every idol, every life-controlling issue. Everything.

One of the Scriptures this freedom step is inspired by is Romans 12:2, which was part of my Bible reading today.

“And so, dear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living sacrifice, holy—the kind he can accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with a fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how his ways will really satisfy you.” Romans 12:1-2

Yes, Lord, when I think of all You have done for me, it’s not too much to ask that I lay down my body and its broken desire for food for You, that I lay down my faulty ways of thinking and let You transform even my mind. Let Your ways really satisfy me. That is what I desperately need. Let me learn this from experience, as I choose to open my life and my heart to experiencing more of You.

Bible Reading: Romans 12
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 17: You’re After My Heart

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Deep breaths.

Today is my dad’s birthday. In case you’re new to my blog, my dad graduated to heaven November 9, 2012. He was only 64 at the time. He’d be 72 if he were still here.

I am about to speak frankly. My mom is an alcoholic and just struggles a lot with life. I love my mother dearly and don’t wish I had a different mom. But due to her behavior, the way she talks to me and her disease, we do not have a relationship. We can’t have much of a relationship. If I let you listen to some of the things she’s said to me, you would be horrified (she leaves voicemails for me while drinking).

That makes the absence of my dad all the more difficult.

I started the day with a nice walk and some worship, a work meeting, some healthy food, some worship time, some Bible reading, some deep thoughts. I even worked on a song I’m writing.

What happened after that? It’s not really worth recounting.

I wish my emotions weren’t tossed to and fro so easily. This is another reason I eat. I’m gathering quite a long list of reasons! But when my eating is out of control, that’s my focus. I fixate on that as a source of many problems.

I’m tired of talking today. So I’m going to share a song with you that’s been hitting me so deeply, especially with all the talk about the heart.

This is just the chorus of this song by Rita Springer. It’s called “Landslide.”

You’re after my heart and You’re gonna win it
You’re after my heart and I’m gonna give it
And every piece, and every part
You’re after it all, oh, You’re after my heart

Bible Reading: Romans 10-11
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Trying

Day 16: Do Not Let

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Yesterday was hard. Very hard. I posted at 8:15 PM my Day 15 post and still wanted to eat and eat and eat. And I did eat, more than I needed for sure.

How do I know I ate too much?

When I say in my goals below “food tracked,” I mean that literally. My daily goal is to simply track my food, and I do this using the WW app. I have been following WW for over 10 years, and it seems to give me the boundaries I need without being overly restrictive.

My long-term goal is obviously to not run to food for comfort. However, my goal right now is a little different – to track whatever I eat and get in that habit, and then work on the running to Jesus instead of food. But going 14 days with relatively reasonable eating is a big win for me.

Might I need to be more restrictive at some point? Perhaps. But this is a great starting point for me. It’s been a long time since I’ve even tracked for several weeks straight.

So anyway, normally when I wake up after a night like last night, two things happen:

  1. I beat myself up over my bad choices.
  2. My dejected state makes me feel as if I might as well make poor food choices for another day (or week or month or year) before I get back on track.

Today, there was none of that. I felt no condemnation when I woke up. I decided today was a new day, and today I would choose joy. I put worship music on my phone, popped in my ear buds, and went for a walk.

Later this verse was part of my daily reading:

“Do not let your hearts be troubled.” John 14:1a

Jesus’s words rung very true to me. “Do not let.” Unless the depression is clinical (which I don’t believe mine is), I have some choice in the matter as to how my heart feels.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:5

Today, I chose not to let my heart be troubled over yesterday’s choices, or over all the things that bothered me yesterday. I choose joy. I choose hope.

Bible Reading: Romans 9
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check

Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 15: Forfeiting Grace

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Church was wonderful yesterday, as it was the previous Sunday. I drove home, on day 14 of breaking up with food, amazed that it was day 14! Not amazed at myself or anything I had done, but amazed at the grace of God, grateful that He had empowered me over these past 2 weeks. Awed by the increased sensitivity to Him and to the Holy Spirit that has come as I’ve stopped running to other gods. As it says in Jonah:

“Those who cling to worthless idols
    forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
    will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
    I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’” Jonah 2:8-9

Yesterday, I basked in gratitude.

Today? Eh. Started the day with a lovely walk with a friend. When I got home, I realized I either lost the new bottle of my migraine supplement that has been helping me, or perhaps the bottle got recycled. Who knows? But it’s gone and it’s not sold anywhere locally.

Then another thing happened and another thing happened and I’m reminded why I eat. Food brought me short-lived feelings of joy among the challenging moments of life. It brought distraction. It brought false satisfaction.

But I go back to Jonah again:

“Those who cling to worthless idols
    forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
    will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
    I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’” Jonah 2:8-9

If you’re not familiar with the story of Jonah, you really need to be! The book of Jonah is only 4 chapters and could be read in one sitting. God called Jonah to go preach at a place called Nineveh, but Jonah ran the other way. Long story short – because of his disobedience, Jonah was thrown overboard by the men on the ship he was using as an escape. Jonah was then swallowed by a big fish that God provided to save him. The above verses were part of a prayer Jonah prayed, and right after, the fish deposited Jonah on dry land.

Jonah’s worthless idol was his pride (which he actually continued to cling to, if you continue reading).

But I want to be different. I don’t want to cling to worthless idols anymore. I can’t afford to forfeit any grace. I want my life to be a sacrifice of praise, and so what I have vowed (truly breaking up with food once and for all), I will make good. I will choose to trust.

And I will give all the glory to God in the process.

Bible Reading: Romans 6 (Sunday) and 7-8 (Today)
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 13: Adam Versus Jesus – Who Wins?

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I didn’t sleep well last night and have been fighting a migraine all day. I work Saturday mornings, and then we needed to run an errand. Lunch helped me feel better temporarily, and then I feel asleep in my chair while trying to get my Bible reading, daily reading, and prayer done. It’s almost 6 PM, but I have finished!

I shared elsewhere the following about my checklist below:

These are my daily health goals. I know some of them don’t seem to be about health, but in order to choose well food-wise, I need to do them all.

Day 13, and I have found this to be true!

I’m still fighting a headache, but not as bad as what I usually experience.

In June, I tracked the frequency of my headaches. I had a headache 19 out of 30 days, and was in pain from June 19th well into July. I’m grateful July has not been nearly as bad. I’m hoping more consistently healthy food choices will help.

I wrote this whole section of Scripture in my journal today:

“And what a difference between man’s sin and God’s forgiveness!

For this one man, Adam, brought death to many through his sin. But this one man, Jesus Christ, brought forgiveness to many through God’s mercy. Adam’s one sin brought the penalty of death to many, while Christ freely takes away many sins and gives glorious life instead. The sin of this one man, Adam, caused death to be king over all, but all who will take God’s gift of forgiveness and acquittal are kings of life because of this one man, Jesus Christ. Yes, Adam’s sin brought punishment to all, but Christ’s righteousness makes men right with God, so that they can live. Adam caused many to be sinners because he disobeyed God, and Christ caused many to be made acceptable to God because he obeyed. 

The Ten Commandments were given so that all could see the extent of their failure to obey God’s laws. But the more we see our sinfulness, the more we see God’s abounding grace forgiving us. Before, sin ruled over all men and brought them to death, but now God’s kindness rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 5:15-21

I love how The Living Bible uses italics to contrast what Adam caused and what Christ accomplished. Unfortunately you can’t see it in the above quote, but you can see it here. I started by just writing that first verse, but couldn’t stop until the end of the chapter because it was so good.

Man’s Sin through Adam Versus God’s Forgiveness through Jesus Christ

Brought death             Vs.      Brought forgiveness
Penalty of death       Vs.      Glorious Life
Death king over all Vs.      Kings of Life
Punishment to All       Vs.    Men Right with God
Many to be Sinner      Vs.     Many to be acceptable to God
(because of Adam’s disobedience)  (because Christ obeyed)
We see our sinfulness  Vs.   We see God’s abounding grace
Sin ruled over men, bringing death     Vs.  God’s kindness rules, giving right standing with God and eternal life through Jesus Christ

Sorry I couldn’t figure out how to make it prettier, but you certainly get the idea. I will leave you to ponder that until I return Monday!

Bible Reading: Romans 4-5
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 12: Am I a Fraud?

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This post contains affiliate links. Read the policy here.

In the Sunday evening blog post before day 1 of this “breaking up with food” journey, I mentioned a scripture that had come to mind. Looking back over my journal, I realized I recently read it in the Keith Green biography, which then triggered my memory about a conference I attended (read that story here). I wrote it down from “No Compromise” on June 26. Then on July 12, as I was sitting in church, dreaming about eating peanut butter and jelly straight out of jars, my pastor shared the same Scripture.

“Sow righteousness for yourselves,
    reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
    for it is time to seek the Lord,
until he comes
    and showers his righteousness on you.” Hosea 10:12

He was actually preaching about the parable of the sower, which he referred to as the parable of the soil. And the first type of soil is unplowed, or “fallow” as it is called in some translations.

  • From https://bit.ly/2ZXgj6X

And yes, I noted in my journal that the fact that I was listening to the preaching of the Word and dreaming of overeating clearly shows the division of my heart!

I will mention  as a side note here I do hear the sermon twice because I serve in both services – but still!

My pastor ended the sermon by saying that we all have these four types of soil in our hearts – and that we can be doing so well in one area or even many, but there is another area of fallow ground. You can watch the service here, including the sermon.

Oh, how true that is for me. I have always mentioned here and there, especially when speaking, my battle with food. But I guess I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like if I admit to this, and publicly commit to a journey of breaking up with food, I’d be seen as a fraud – that all that talk about freedom was just a cover-up. I mean, I even wrote a book called Learning to Walk in Freedom!

I wonder if Lysa TerKeurst felt this way when she wrote her book. She was already a well-known and popular speaker at the time.

That night, July 12, after hearing that sermon, after being reminded in several ways of this verse that meant so much to me early in my journal, after also being reminded in order to return to my first love, I had to do the things I did at first (more in this video), I committed to this journey of breaking up with food. People might think I’m a fraud, but I have no control over that. But I am choosing to be “all in” with God, and that means an undivided heart full of plowed, good soil.

Bible Reading: Romans 1-3
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 11: Breaking Up with Food

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Today began with an early walk, for which I am grateful. I am also grateful I have not developed a headache today after several days of pain. I was able to record tomorrow’s “Coffee with Brenna” talking about what’s the real issue – what’s really going on in our hearts? I’ll come back and share the link when it posts tomorrow.

The last few days have been more challenging in terms of staying on track with my food. I will share at some point more about the checklist, including some details about what my eating looks like. I remember when I first read Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food by Lysa TerKeurst that I searched the internet to find out her food plan – as if a specific food plan would solve all my problems! I prayed so many times, God, show me how to eat so I feel satisfied! Well, since we’ve determined this is a heart issue and not a food issue, what exactly I eat doesn’t fix my heart, but having a plan does help.

And don’t worry! I’m keeping a list of things I said I would come back to. I really will; I promise!

Today, I read this in Jude:

“But you, dear friends, must build up your lives ever more strongly upon the foundation of our holy faith, learning to pray in the power and strength of the Holy Spirit.” Jude 20

This is something that intrigues and fascinates me. I have been thinking about and studying the power that is available to believers since last year when I did a study on the word “power” in the Gospels. I don’t know if I was just drawn to dive deeper after reading through all the Gospels, or if deep down, I was feeling so defeated by this struggle with food, I wanted to read what God’s Word says about the believer’s access to power.

I know by reading Scripture that “feeling defeated” is just that – a feeling. According to Scripture, defeat is not my reality. I may not yet be walking in the fullness of this promise of victory, but it is still a promise, as evidenced in the following verses:

“You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.” Colossians 2:13-15

Satan has not only been disarmed, but he has been publicly shamed by Jesus’s victory on the cross.

Today, I build my life upon my faith in what Jesus Christ has done (not how I feel or what I might have accomplished) as I learn to pray in the strength and power of the Holy Spirit in me.

Bible Reading: Jude
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 10: Breaking Up with Food

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Today hit me like a ton of bricks. All the feelings I’ve been eating to avoid finally caught up with me. Feelings about unresolved situations – one in particular that’s really important and very broken. I have no idea how to fix it, but leaving it “not fixed” is not an option.

I woke up with this realization about the above situation/all the feelings, and it’s been weighing me down since. It started raining on my morning walk, and I wasn’t very close to home. I thought of the song “Sweet Rain” that I mentioned several weeks ago in a “Coffee with Brenna” video.

Sweet rain of Your mercy

I felt as if maybe God was crying and grieving with me, recognizing that it wasn’t supposed to be this hard. If it’s hard for you to believe God could be like that, remember that Jesus wept (not the “shed one tear” but “grieved deeply and intensely” kind of crying) at the tomb of Lazarus, DESPITE knowing in moments, He would raise Lazarus from the dead.

I was listening to worship music before beginning to type this, and just now, Set a Fire came on.

No place I would rather be
No place I would rather be
No place I would rather be
Than here in Your love, here in Your love

So set a fire down in my soul
That I can’t contain, that I can’t control
I want more of You, God
I want more of You, God

That’s my cry. Between all the feelings and the headache I’m fighting, I really want more of food.

I want more of food, God!! Help me choose You! I’m choosing to be here in Your love rather than sticking my head in fridge.

Bible Reading: 2 John, 3 John
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 9: Breaking Up with Food

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I’ve carried a burden
For too long on my own
I wasn’t created
To bear it alone
I hear Your invitation
To let it all go

As we sang this song at church Sunday, it struck me how deeply this applies to breaking up with food. I’ve tried so hard to fix this myself. I’ve thrown some prayers up to God here and there. But it has bothered me for a long time. I feel ashamed of it, so I don’t ask for prayer, or get the help I need.

I’m done with the hiding
No reason to wait

No more hiding.

I’m breaking up with food, and apparently, I’m doing it quite publicly with the accountability of the internet!

My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I’ll run to the Father
Again and again and again and again

On 7/13, day 1 of breaking up with food, I wrote in my journal, “I don’t have a food issue – I have a heart issue.”

Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart

One of the Scriptures that compelled me to start this breaking up with food journey is Psalm 86:11b-12a:

“Give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart.”

I need to let Him heal my heart, the heart that He knit together in the first place.

My heart has been in Your sights
Long before my first breath

I am letting go and letting God, as the saying goes.

Thank You, Jesus, for seeing my divided heart thousands of years before I even was born, and dying so that I could not only be freed from my sin, but so that I could praise You with my whole, entire, undivided heart, a heart that was in Your sights long before my first, premature breath that was almost my last. You have been so good to me.

Bible Reading: 1 John 5
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check

Day 8: Breaking Up with Food

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I wrote out an entry in my journal yesterday with the intention of typing it up for today’s post. Well, I had class tonight, and then someone came at 8 PM to help with our bug infestation. I’m fighting a headache, so I need to keep this short. I’ll save Sunday’s thoughts for another day.

Today is day 8 of #breakingupwithfood, which means with God’s help, I finished a whole week!

I was amazed at the clarity of mind I had this weekend. I went into an important meeting as well as Sunday services prayed up and feeling especially sensitive to the Holy Spirit.

The more I seek You
The more I find You

These lyrics have been on my heart today. The more I sought food and compulsive eating to soothe my heart and ease my hunger, the more I needed to keep running to those things, despite receiving no long-term satisfaction there. But the more I seek God and surrender and desire to know His heart, the more I find Him, and along with Him, joy, gratitude and peace.

Bible Reading: 1 John 1-2 (Sunday), 1 John 3-4 (Today)
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Activity: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check