Have you ever struggled with debilitating thought patterns? Circles of thinking that made you feel as if you would be bound forever, never to break free?
This is how I felt when I wrote the song “Will I Ever Be Free?”
I hear the darkness call my name
And I can find myself choosing to follow,
Once again, I cannot turn away
From this longing that leaves me so hollow
You can find a recording of this song here.
Part of it is sung, and part is spoken word.
One Day, I will give up this dream that there is something to achieve, something I can receive from this preconceived vision of beauty and victory in the way people see me, of honor and pride, if I wasn’t so torn up inside by this choice, this decision cause that’s exactly what it is, I can no longer fool myself by saying I didn’t choose this, that I can’t lose this, because I use this, and I abuse this body You gave me, oh, yes, You made me, and my mind tells me that what You created is not good enough.
I love this song. It’s kind of cheesy/cliché, but I absolutely love the end.
This performance was in May of 2001. I had been following Jesus just over 2 years and was still deeply entrenched in my eating disorder. I’m so grateful I’m not in that place anymore! And a Scripture I read today reminded me of how I broke free from that place and how I will continue breaking up with food today.
Freedom step 4 of my book is “Think Like a Free Person.” This is the place that everything flows from – everything. Every addiction, every behavior, every false belief, every idol, every life-controlling issue. Everything.
One of the Scriptures this freedom step is inspired by is Romans 12:2, which was part of my Bible reading today.
“And so, dear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living sacrifice, holy—the kind he can accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with a fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how his ways will really satisfy you.” Romans 12:1-2
Yes, Lord, when I think of all You have done for me, it’s not too much to ask that I lay down my body and its broken desire for food for You, that I lay down my faulty ways of thinking and let You transform even my mind. Let Your ways really satisfy me. That is what I desperately need. Let me learn this from experience, as I choose to open my life and my heart to experiencing more of You.
Bible Reading: Romans 12
Prayer Cards Prayed: Check
Food Tracked: Check
Daily Reading: Check
Worship in Song: Check
Choosing to Trust: Check