It’s January 4th.
I saw the date several times today. I even wrote it on something and thought, That sounds important.
I then took my littlest out with me to run errands. I just put a couple of CD’s in my car 2 days ago, the only 2 I could find (still nowhere near unpacked): Keith Green and Sara Groves.
Soon it came on:
There is nothing new
I could give to You
Just a life that’s torn
Waiting to be born
I Can’t Believe It.* The song I was listening to that week of January 4th 14 years ago when Jesus invaded my life.
That I just won’t receive it,
It’s so hard to receive it in my heart
I just could not believe that someone would die for me. Who would do that? It doesn’t even make sense! But I desperately needed a fresh start. I was failing miserably at life, at relationships, at – well, most everything. I longed to believe that Jesus is who He says He is.
Help me, help me now
I just don’t know how
You know, I’ve been so alone
Please melt this heart of stone
There was no longer any question on that day in January of 1999 that I desperately needed Jesus.
I have a serious gap in pictures during that time, but here’s a gem from about 6 months later:
I still do need Him. There is nothing magical that happens at the moment of salvation (if you have a “moment,” yet it’s often a process) that makes us less reliant on God. If anything, I believe we become even more keenly aware, through the power of the Holy Spirit and our spiritual eyes being opened, that apart from Him, we really can do nothing.
Especially recently, I’m intimately and painfully aware of my weaknesses and failures and continual dependence on Him. I know the truth of 2 Corinthians 12:10, that when I am weak, I am strong in Him, but I don’t know if the power of that truth has been fully recognized in my soul, or embraced in my heart.
Yet when I shared with my dear husband why January 4th is significant, I got choked up. I know that I know that I know that Jesus has deeply transformed my heart and my life. He continues to change me and set me free, one breath at a time.
And I continue to choose to trust Him. Trust that He is good, that He is my only hope. That He cares about me so deeply and passionately that His perfect will was for His only begotten Son to suffer, be crushed, punished, condemned, and to die so that I would not be punished or condemned, but may have peace and life till it overflows.
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27 (NLT)