Two Decades of Imperfect Surrender: Coffee with Brenna

In March of 2000, I reached a pivotal moment in my walk with Jesus.

I make it sound as if we had a long history! I had only been a Christian for 14 short months. Jesus, however, had a long history with me. Almost two thousand years before I was born, He saw my sin, my shame, and my struggles and set a rescue plan in motion that would change everything.

Despite surrendering to His call of salvation in January of 1999, some things took a lot longer to work their way out of my life. My identity was firmly set in that of a lesbian-identified bisexual – what did the gospel have to offer someone like me?

In the fall of that first year following Jesus, I met a young woman I call Annie. Annie had been raised in a Christian home but due to a horrific tragedy, she and her family members walked away from God. Well, I was positive I could help Annie to find Jesus again!!

As you can imagine, this did not end well.

I had no reason to think there would be any issues in our friendship because Annie did not have a history of being attracted to women. But she was needy and so was I. Our mutual neediness led to a physical attraction which eventually turned into a sexual relationship.

I feel stuck. Overwhelmed. In love. Desperate – for Annie AND for God. I had built so much of my life and my identity around being gay. Could Jesus really be enough for me? If I left behind everything I’d ever known, would God keep His promise to never leave me? Because almost everyone I loved, all those I clung to and felt I desperately needed – they had left me. How could I trust that God wouldn’t do what they had done? I didn’t know who to pick, which direction to go, or even how to go about deciding. But God knew. He saw my struggling heart – and He decided for me.

At the beginning of March, right before Spring Break, Annie dumped me 🙂

A few days later, I stood at the bus stop, waiting for my ride to arrive. I remember specifically throwing my hands in the air and saying, “Fine, God! I give this all to You!” Thus began my journey of walking in imperfect obedience as it pertains to my same-sex attraction and so many other things.

This month marks two decades since that day at the bus stop. God has been faithful in ALL things. I have come to Him, over and over, surrendering all that I am to all that He is. 20 years ago, I never would have dreamed I’d be where I am today, and I don’t mean married with a family, the director of an organization serving people just like me. Am I amazingly blessed? YES. There is no question. But it’s about so much more than that. It’s about the peace that comes with surrender. It’s about the hope that comes from trusting in Christ. It’s about the joy that is deposited into a surrendered heart.

On the day I’m completing this blog post, the daily topic of My Utmost for His Highest is “Total Surrender.” Ha! Oswald Chambers states, “Genuine total surrender is a personal sovereign preference for Jesus Christ Himself.” He ends the entry with these thoughts: “Beware of stopping anywhere short of total surrender to God. Most of us have only a vision of what this really means, but have never truly experienced it.”

Watch today’s “Coffee with Brenna” video to explore this concept more!

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